


cold hands warm heart

by softjohndae



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, No Plot/Plotless, Sort Of, Stream of Consciousness, lapslock, this is just word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 18:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14526714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softjohndae/pseuds/softjohndae
Summary: felix’s hands are cold. it’s not for any particular reason, they just are.





	cold hands warm heart

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all i'm back with some more changlix! idk i don't really have much to say abt this except for the fact that this is written in stream of consciousness-style and there's no real plot, it's just word vomit. and yes, this is connected to my other changlix story called 'big, brown eyes and a heartbeat', but you can read this without reading that. this fic is also based on a finnish song (kasmir - tulla ja mennä) but yeah,,, it's in finnish. most of you can't probably understand it but it's not necessary anyway. also it's short and written in lapslock, but i hope you enjoy anyway!

felix’s hands are cold. it’s not for any particular reason, they just are. or maybe it is, like the fact that it’s a cold spring day and he’s sitting on a handrail made of steel without any gloves, gazing at the horizon. the sea sure is beautiful. it’s grey and cloudy, but the view is breathtaking nevertheless. the sea always is. felix shudders a little, the cold breeze coming from the wide open threads it’s fingers in felix’s hair and makes it messy. felix’s leather jacket doesn’t do much keeping the cold away. but he doesn’t mind. it’s kind of idyllic, almost poetic. he used to be a sydney kid, the sea only a car ride away. now he lived by it. water’s always been his friend. his fingers are cold, but he doesn’t mind about that either. they’re always cold, he has a horrible blood flow in his fingers. 

but the people with cold hands have the warmest hearts, right? at least that’s what felix has always been told. his mother used to tell him that. and so did his friends. but cold hands are sometimes a burden, especially when one tries to hold the other’s hand or tickle them and all one gets back is “oh, your hands are so cold!”. yeah, they are, but the one’s heart isn’t. it’s warm, and it’s open. but all the pros defeat the cons, like the time the owner of felix’s heart thought his hands were way too cold and he held them the whole journey home from the store three blocks over. and bought him hot chocolate. felix doesn’t even like hot chocolate. except the viennese one, but you can’t get that from around here. 

the spring. it’s finally here, after the cold and aching winter. felix doesn’t think winter is cold and aching, though, it’s just another season in the spiral of seasons. and it’s quite nice, actually. christmas and snow and snowballs and curling up in the couch with that special someone underneath a warm blanket. and the cold breeze against your face and air so cold it freezes one’s nostrils shut and freezing fingers once again because felix always forgets his gloves. but the spring, the beginning of everything, once again. hope. it’s that part of spring when when everything is still kind of grey and resurrecting from the dead after the winter. and it’s cold. no flowers in sight yet. felix loves flowers, all the colours and the smells, and the bees and the handmade crowns and everything about flowers. but that is something that comes with summer, so for now he’s just stuck with staring at the horizon. it’s not that bad, though. sometimes one needs to stare at something so utterly confusing and great one can’t understand it. felix can’t stare into space, so he stares at the horizon. beyond the horizon.

and sometimes he feels like the horizon stares back. is it because he believes in some kind of entity? no. it just feels like it’s also examining felix, who is small and young before the unending open sea that has been thousands and thousands and thousands of years in the same place. it knows everything about life. felix knows nothing. 

felix’s hands are cold, and he’s gripping the handrail. the little stick and poke-tattoo peeks through the rips of his torn jeans. there’s a song playing in his head, and it tells a story about lovers. most of the songs tell stories about lovers, and most of them are bittersweet, talk about losing the other one. felix has never experienced that, and he hopes from the bottom of his heart he never will. but he can’t predict the future. though, he does know that the feeling of first love disappears after three years, it’s a psychological fact. or maybe it’s a fact, felix doesn’t really know, but it seems sensible. it’s not like adults who have been in love for years act like the teens who have been together for two months. lovesick. completely fascinated with one another, oh no. those, who pass the seven-year mark know each other from the top to bottom, they know every single little detail. they don’t act like it’s love at the first sight because they have got used to each other. but getting used to each other doesn’t mean the love stops, it just changes. it moves from the electrifying little sparks in fingertips and toes to everywhere, all around, every corner. it fills the air without suffocating. 

and the songs always tell how one is nothing without the other. felix doesn’t really understand it. if one truly loves the person, then they can let go when the time comes. if they can’t then the love is selfish. one only thinks about their own feelings and how they will get hurt during the process of letting go. but maybe love is all about being a little selfish? but why is it all about giving yourself to the other person, then? love is tricky, apparently. felix knows nothing about love. but he does know that he is in love. 

and the songs always tell how one can’t survive without the other. and that sure is selfish. one can’t make the other person love them just because they can’t breathe without the other. it’s selfish, and love is not supposed to be selfish. it’s supposed to be pure, it’s supposed to be happy. it’s supposed to be one of the reasons to be happy, not the one that brings you happiness. is one truly happy if their only source of happiness is love? no. it just burdens the other one. and love isn’t supposed to be burdening. but what does felix know about love? nothing. he just knows that he is in love.

felix thinks one can be happy without love. and one can be happy with love. but love isn’t the very essence of happiness, but happiness is the very essence of love. being happy with the other person. sharing the happiness, the small things and the huge things. especially the huge ones, since they’re often so big one can’t handle them on their own. being happy doesn’t change the fact that the other one is worth of billions. no, no. love can’t be measured in money. but billions would come close. infinite amount of money would come even closer. but still not close enough. no amount of riches could ever be worth of changbin.

and the songs always claim how the leaves in the trees turn yellow and drop when the other person leaves. how all of the stars in the sky go out. and how one’s heart only wears black. felix doesn’t believe one person can do that much. but still, he fears it. he knows it’s an irrational fear, though. he’s in love, he’s content, and he knows changbin loves him just as much as he loves changbin. how does he know? changbin has told him. and he tells it every day. not with words, but with other things, like small kisses in the corner of felix’s mouth. and never asking back his hoodies when felix borrows them. and by telling felix to get home safe. and by listening to his stupid rants about the world and just humming in approval and stroking his hair. and sometimes changbin tells him about his way of viewing the world, and it is so enchanting to felix, mostly because changbin isn’t nearly as vocal as felix is. changbin’s views are fresh, sure, they differ from felix’s but it just makes him think more. and makes him fall for him even more.

so why is he the slightest bit of afraid then? maybe it’s the selfishness. felix would like to be the one who loves because he is happy, but he just can’t shake off the irrational fear of losing changbin. maybe it’s a basic human instinct, to be afraid of losing something so dear to oneself. makes sense if one looks it at the perspective of history, people have always tended to look after their belongings more than their own selves. you can see it in the legislations, too; the punishments for stealing or taking something against the other’s will are far bigger than those of violence. but felix’s fear is irrational, it’s stupid and based on nothing but dumb assumptions and schemas. changbin isn’t going anywhere. felix isn’t going to lose him. 

felix’s hands are cold and he’s gripping the handrail he’s sitting on, one leg hooked underneath it. the tips of his fingers are tingling, so are the tips of his ears. he sighs, closes his eyes for a second, sways in the wind. the waves crash against the rocks underneath his feet. if he were to take two steps forward, he would fall to a certain death. it’s kind of reassuring, knowing that one can have such control of themselves. to be two steps away from ending it all. but felix doesn’t want to end it all, so he just sits, sways in the wind, listens to the waves. a seagull screeches somewhere far away. but what if one isn’t actually in control? what if it’s all a lie, an illusion. a concept created by humans, just like time. how can one be in control when the sky can fall any second it wishes to and end that concept? how can one be in control when someone else’s idea of control is to destroy the other one’s control? it’s a weird thing, it’s a scary thing, and felix doesn’t want to think about it anymore. 

so there he sits, sways, eyes closed. he wants to think about something happier and easier, so he thinks about changbin. it’s not necessarily easier to think about him, but it’s not as frightening. changbin is, after all, a complex human being with so many different layers of thought patterns and memories and dreams and everything, felix has merely scratched the surface. but he’s not in a haste, he has all the time in the world to get to know changbin from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head. the best part is that changbin is interesting, no matter how many times felix hears the same things (“how was your day?” “fine, the english teach still hates me and i still haven’t written that history essay”) he still can’t get enough. 

and that’s love, apparently. or so felix has been told. he still doesn’t know what love really consists of except for neurotransmitters, but he has a hunch, a little one. maybe love could be personified. then it would be changbin. one would say he seems like a person who doesn’t open up or really show his feelings, or rather - love, but felix knows better. changbin is actually one of the most honest people he has ever met, and even though he’s not the best at expressing his feelings, he eventually does. and he keeps getting better at it, all the time. maybe it’s because felix is always so open about everything, but life’s too short to hide things anyway (yet it’s still the longest thing one will ever experience). 

the thought of changbin brings a smile on felix’s face. they have been together for a little over half of a year now, not much, but felix isn’t in a hurry. the feeling of first love is still there, the little butterflies in his stomach, the electrifying touches, the little knowing looks, everything. and every day he gets to know more of changbin. damn, he’s so lucky. not everyone gets to know how precious he is. or how he scrunches his nose whenever he smells something awful. or how his voice goes three pitches higher when they watch a horror movie. or how he loves sunrises more than sunsets but hates waking up to see the sunrises, so usually he and felix just stay up too late and then they sleep far till noon in each other’s arms. yeah. maybe that’s love. 

felix senses it before he hears it. he can feel the nearing sound of skateboard wheels against the asphalt. not long after the sound appears and comes near, there is a pair of hands sneaking their way around felix’s waist. he still doesn’t open his eyes, he knows who it is. a chin is pressed on his shoulder, a chest pressed against his back.  
“hey.” that nasally deep voice felix is so spellbound to.  
“hey.” he answers and leans his head back against changbin’s shoulder. 

“what are you thinking about?” changbin mumbles against felix’s shoulder quietly.  
“you.” felix smiles and changbin chuckles.  
“aw, you missed me that much?” felix opens his eyes and raises his head from his boyfriend’s shoulder, then turning to face him. he swings his other foot over the handrail he’s sitting on.  
“nah, i was just thinking how you got scared of that frog yesterday evening.” he smirks at changbin, then swinging his other foot also over the handrail.  
“it was a scary frog, okay?” changbin mutters before pressing his lips against felix’s. the kiss is chaste, more of a ‘hello, i missed you the whole day’-type than their usual ‘i adore you i adore you i adore you’. changbin tastes like coffee and a too long school day. 

the kiss breaks and felix hops off the rail, lacing his fingers in between changbin’s.  
“christ, felix! your hands are freezing!” changbin takes felix’s hands and holds them, blowing air to warm them up. felix just laughs.  
“you’ll never learn how to wear gloves, do you?”  
“no. cold hands warm heart.” changbin shakes his head and presses a small kiss against the corner of felix’s lips.  
“well yours sure is ablaze then.”


End file.
